nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
