im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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