also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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