in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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