if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
