I accidentally had phone sex last night
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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