i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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