Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Four minutes until I can fart!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
