If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
