My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize