Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
