Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
