You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
