Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
