I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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