Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
