I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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