i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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