then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
