I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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