your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
