We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
