you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
