WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
