Don't make out with my wife yet
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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