Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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