i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize