If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
