new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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