i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
