no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
