Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
