all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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