My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh god it's open bar.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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