You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
