Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
