it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
