in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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