I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
