May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
