The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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