You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
