Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
