i would punch a child for taco bell
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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