i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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