I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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