Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
