I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
