return my video game
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
