There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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